So I've turned 23 today. 23 already sounds old for me, even if people say that it's still quite young. But for me I'm seeing how people at my age are already working, starting with their lives, while I'm currently at the end of my 4th semester, almost done with exams, and while many people are currently having their "best time of their life" (which probably isn't real for many people now thinking about it), I just feel like my life only started now. Or maybe it hasn't even started yet, and is just about to start.

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I guess there's also a bit of the trans factor here that plays a role here. Like how I "only" realized at 20 that I'm trans (after before not even knowing what trans people were before that, yes that somehow flew over me) in November 2023, and only 2 weeks ago starting HRT. Of course I had other successes like legal transition in early 2025, but because there were still many things missing for me like friends or a community (and the fact that I still get misgendered to this day >_<), it never really felt like I was becoming "the real me". Even now with HRT, I still doubt it a bit (especially since I don't feel any changes yet, except some headaches and feeling foggy for a few days, but that thankfully has gone away). And I guess still being socially isolated IRL, and having had not-so-great experience at a local LGBTQ+ club (which I already wrote before in another blog post) also contribute to that feeling. But at least I have HRT now, so I should believe more into that, even if the changes do take quite a while...

But even if the IRL stuff isn't there yet, at least I finally feel more at home online~! Really, starting this website and especially having my very cute purple foxgirl OC Sophia were probably the best things I ever did in my life. It took me quite some while to feel comfortable here, like I belong here, which I guess is also something common in my life (which always sucks when you're in a new environment like in school and it takes you years to feel like you belong there, since everyone already is in their groups at this point), but I feel like that finally happened now!
It just feels weird looking at my website and my online identity in general, and seeing how far I've already gone. Like hello this is really me?? It just feels surreal.

Also having people I could call my friends was also something that always felt impossible for me. But now I have three people I can genuinely call my friends, who even sent me nice gifts for my birthday! (Which made me feel a bit emotional) Again thank you very much for it, Pudding, Kuurp and Miya!
But even with these three cool people (which I'm very, very grateful to have!), there are still many cool people online I want to be friends with! Like here on the indie web or the (small) art community in general. But... I just feel like I can never be friends with them... Mostly artists, but I guess I also still feel a bit insecure with my art stuff, which also makes it harder, even if other people (including artists that I look up to) call it cute. I hope that's something that'll also change for me in the near future. After all, chatting with my friends did make me feel more comfortable with chatting in general. I'd also love to chat with more people like on public Discord servers, but maybe that's still a bit too uncomfortable for me >_<. Also I don't have any trans girls as friends yet, so that's also something that I'd like to have! (Though that also sounds harder than it is, at least for me... Like I feel like most other trans girls I've met online are quite different from me, and I haven't found one that's similar with me in terms of interests and personality and such?)

Also art has become such a big thing in my life now. I started drawing before that, but looking at my gallery, since my birthday I've drawn much more, and I also started doodling in my diary! (I even started that diary too!) In the past I wasn't sure if I considered art to be my "main thing", since I always thought it was programming, and I am currently studying CS too (where nobody in that major draws, as far as I know). But maybe it's a mix of these two that has become my main part? I just always loved creating cute things, and I hope I can continue doing that for a long time!

So yeah, it really feels like my life is finally starting now (or it may not have started yet?) I'm slowly finally being able to become the real me IRL (which'll probably also help me with making friends IRL), and online I'm also finding my place now! Hopefully the next year will be great too!!