Miniblog

As kinda an update to the last miniblog entry, I do remember now why it feels like making friends IRL is kinda impossible for me.

Today I was with a girl in a bus who has many Miku pins and other characters on her bag. It’s not the first time I’ve seen here there, I don't see her always there, but sometimes. And it feels like we have the same interests, so we could be great friends too. Except… she kinda gives me a cold feeling, like she doesn’t want to talk with anyone. (So not just me) She also always wears her over-ear headphones, which also is a sign of „don’t talk to me“. I still have my Marisa keychain on my bag, which I thought would give attention to people like her. After all, not many people have an anime girl keychain on their bag. But of course nothing happened (well I never got any reaction from having her on my bag or even a Miku keychain that I had before there).

I just find it kinda sad, because I know people like her do have many friends. Probably a couple of anime fans too. But I just feel like I was never allowed to have such friends? Of course I do have good friends online now (for which I’m very grateful for!), but IRL it still feels impossible… I don’t know if it’s just the town I live in (like I explained in my previous miniblog entry) or if I’m wrong… (probably the latter, since it seems like I’m the only one with that issue)

I randomly heard about Wplace today, so I decided to check out how my town looks there. I only checked when the site initially launched, and there were only a few pride flags there (which I already found confusing, since we don’t really have a queer scene in this town?).

But today it looks like the town on Wplace got overwhelmed by the local football club? There’s also some other smaller artwork, primarily anime work and Deltarune (still find it funny when someone in this town asked me what games I play, I mentioned Deltarune since that’s what I was playing at that time (yes I’ll continue chapter 3 soon), and he looked confused at me lol).

And I guess I just feel very weird right now, since that’s not really what I expected from this town? (There’s even a Adachi Rei) Since this town doesn’t feel like this in my experience. Sure it’s probably only a few people who did it, but I guess it just generally has felt like everyone here is closed off, so I’ve never felt welcome anywhere here? Could just be me of course, but it does remind me of my time in that local LGBTQ+ club, but I already told that story before.

When your lived experience doesn’t match up what you’re seeing showcased…

I'm currently writing a detailed resume, and if you were to read it, you'd think "oh she's such a huge nerd". And I guess technically I'd be a nerd, since I'm so deep into CS and such, except I don't really see myself that way? Sure otaku, but not nerd? I don't know how to describe that feeling. Though maybe I don't see myself like that because I'm quite different from other "nerds"? I don't know...

It feels kinda weird thinking how art and drawing went from "I suck at art, I'll never be good at it" to now where it has become a important part of my life, and I'm still improving at it.

It's nice when you have to do a presentation on Tuesday and Friday, except now the professor suddenly writes that the Friday presentation is on Wednesday... All while also having to learn for exams, and Art Fight...

Currently working on a new drawing, and while I was just casually drawing I thought "why am I even spending hours on this thing?", but now that the lineart is done, I remembered why I'm putting hours into drawing stuff. Because I like creating cute things and seeing them come to life.

(Also can't wait to share that drawing once it's done!!)

So something weird happened today...

I was alone at a practice session with a professor (again), and normally at uni I just get misgendered all the time. But today he asked me what pronouns I prefer? Because he noticed that my name is very feminine (took way too long for someone to notice) but apparently I look masculine (which I guess is fair, since I'm not on HRT yet, even though I already dress fem and have long hair), so he now finally asked me for my pronouns...

I don't know why it took that long for someone else to notice, but at least now somebody started to notice and ask...

(Also he said that half of the semester is already over, and I realized that I still haven't started to look for an internship yet >.< (still nervous about that))

After visiting a trans site here on Nekoweb, I thought "when did my egg crack again?", and I thought "end of 2024". But that didn’t really fit, because at that time I started this site, so it had to be before that. End of 2023? Really? So I looked that up on my calendar, and yes it was end of 2023, 10 November 2023. And then I decided to put that date in a date calculator online.

917 days. 2 years, 6 months, and 5 days.

I’ve been waiting that long for HRT already… I just feel very empty right now…

When I was in town today I saw a straight couple walking, and the girl had a t-shirt with a very large Miku print on it. I never expected to see something like that in a small town like this one. I guess it means Vocaloid has already become so big here?

Now I kinda want to have a shirt like that... though I wouldn't have the confidence in actually wearing it...

Just finished watching the Cosmic Princess Kaguya! movie!!

I've already been following the Cosmic Princess Kaguya channel for a while (which has great covers), but I never imagined that the movie would be this good... Probably the best movie I've watched in a while.

Not only are the characters cute, but the music is also amazing!! Especially the Vocaloid remixes!!!

I won't spoil too much here yet, but it'll probably be one of the best anime of this year, and it'll probably explode in popularity soon! So I can happy say now that I've been here before the explosion!!

Something that happened over Christmas that I didn't manage to write in the journal last time (since it happened after it), was that some relative celebrated their birthday in a restaurant, on Christmas.

Before going there, I was warned by another relative that some other relative still didn't know I was trans, because for some reason he thought and decided that he shouldn't tell that other person because "that's none of his business", without asking me first... great... (I thought I was already fully out to everyone? Thankfully that person never talked to me).

But then one surprising thing was that one waiter who used feminine pronouns on me! Like I think this was the first time where a stranger immediately used the right pronouns on me, which was nice! (Since German is a gendered language, it's kind of more important than in English?).

Otherwise, the rest of the meeting went how it always goes. (Still used the male bathroom because I was too scared to use the female one)

Though after it some other relative nagged to one of my parents that I apparently didn't smile there on the pictures and looked a bit sad. Excuse me, but I don't like faking a smile, and I don't like when someone constantly runs around the table and takes pictures of everyone. And maybe I just wasn't feeling well at that time?

For some reason I decided to look through my old Twitter account (which still had my deadname on it, so I fixed that immediately with a random one name). And it kinda felt nostalgic looking back on it, like what I posted about at that time (or that I even posted that much in the first place). Most accounts there that I liked are inactive though. But I also remember having someone there I often interacted with (even had them added as a friend on my switch). What's interesting though is that they also later realized they're trans (I think they're transmasc?). But at that point I had already stopped using the platform, and they also haven't posted anything in years. So I can't say how they're doing today...

(I can also remember my previous account getting banned because I put my birthdate on it and one day they just banned all accounts that weren't allowed to be on Twitter)

Just saw in my calendar that on this day, two years ago, I realized I was trans!

Back then I started fresh in university (in a different study course) and it was very stressful for me. And I was very hopeless back then, but finally figuring out I was a girl gave my life new hope. While I'm still not as far as I wanted to (I mean I'm still not on HRT), I at least was able to legal transition! (Even if I still get misgendered and use the wrong public bathroom because of that) But that alone really helped me out, and I'm now in a much better place than I was a few years ago, so I'm thankful for that. And my hair also got a bit longer, which is also nice!! (Though it's still too short for me)

I only just now found out about it, so I didn't prepare anything for it >.<.

As I was writing the music journey page, I listened to some older songs from Aiobahn that I really enjoyed back then (like Medusa), and I realized how weird it is seeing how much he has changed. Like I don't think many newer fans know about him being on Monstercat, but I lived in that time and was also there, and I guess that's kinda special in some way. I mean he kinda was there since my childhood, and still is here.

I know using my username to refer to me may be a bit of a mouthful, so that's why I finally decided to adopt a new name online: Kona!

It took me quite a while to find this name. I like Kona because it's also a bit based on how foxes say "Kon" in Japan and it also sounds cute! And I also wanted to have a name online that wasn't my real name, like I did in the past...

(If you know me by a different name, then that's fine by me, and you can still refer to me with that, but please don't use it in public~ :3)

I went for a walk today, and found these cute things on a playground eating grass! I think they're nutrias?

I just noticed that the created day on the stats widget was showing the wrong day. While it's true that I created my Nekoweb account on 23 October 2024, I only launched the site a day later (24 October 2024), which is also what the update widget says. I've removed the created date in that widget for now. Sorry for any confusion~!

While looking at pictures from my old phone for the Dragalia Lost blog post, I found these pixelart images I once made!

When I listened to a song cover from a utaite today, I remembered that one miniblog post that I wrote in March about not being able to sing, and I just realized one reason why it feels impossible for me: Because I live with my family. Because if I started to practice singing, then my family would probably hear it and say something about it. That's also the reason why I can't really do voice training right now, or use voice chat or play games like VR Chat, because I wouldn't want my family to hear me when I do any of these. And I also can't wait until they're gone, since there's always someone at home. I haven't really found a solution to that issue yet, so I guess I can't really do any of these things, which I find sad... Sometimes I do wonder how life could've been if I was able to sing like that, because I feel like singing is something amazing, and I always adore utaites... (Also when I was younger I once bought a karaoke game that was discounted for some reason, and my dad didn't really like it when I sang, and I stopped playing it. So maybe that's a reason why I don't want my family to hear me speak or sing in any way in my room.)

Happy birthday to me! Recently I saw that I made a sketch on my birthday last year that I was kinda happy with, so I thought it'd be interesting to see how it'd look like if I drew it today! (the drawing is based on this figure)

i went to the bank today to change my name and gender there (since i legal transitioned recently). and it was quite anxious.

not the changing part, since that was done in a few minutes (the person asked me a few questions, but nothing too bad). what was worse was after that they tried to sell me some products. first a credit card (i don't need one, even if it's so shiny and has so many features and is cheaper for students). and later a disability insurance.

Excuse me, but I'm still a student. Why would I need a disability insurance that I can't pay, since I don't work yet?

they then pushed me more with it with making an offer for me, which involved me involuntary having to share my height and weight (i tried saying no, but they wouldn't stop), and at the end pressuring me into making a new appointment so that i could sign the insurance (which i thankfully could somehow avoid).

i always said "i'll think about it", but now i'm still scared of them calling me to push me to make an appointment to sign an insurance... sigh

maybe i should switch my bank.

(like i just went there for a simple name change. why did they want me to sell insurance??? like i'm currently not interested in any kind of insurance. i just wanted to change my name. that's all.)

FINALLY, after waiting for 4 MONTHS, I got a letter from the registry office that they received my declaration announcement for legal transition FROM 4 MONTHS AGO and that I can now make an appointment to make the declaration itself... (i LOVE bureaucracy)

I just now realized that it has already been half a year here on Nekoweb and the indie/small web in general. I'm not really good with words, but it has been a great time here until now (still can't really believe someone made fanart of my OC), and I hope that it'll continue. Hopefully soon I can also publish the story I'm working on, that'd be great :3.

When I was driving to university with the bus today, there was an Asian girl (I believe her mother spoke Chinese?) and she was humming a song, and I believe it was the song "Aishite ita no ni" (she did say the word Aishite but didn't know the lyrics of the song)? Which I kinda find weird since 1. I never expected to her someone hum a Vocaloid song in my area, and 2. Wouldn't she be too young for that song? But after hearing the song again, I'm certain that it was that...

And when to drive back home, they were again in the bus, but this time the girl sang some kids song about buses. Even so loud at some point that it sounded like she was giving a concert. (She really had fun with it)

So yeah, quite an interesting day...

Sometimes I kinda wish that I could sing. I don't mean singing professionally, but more as a hobby. Maybe something like being a utaite. But the thing is that I can't sing, and I also don't like my voice, so I don't know what to do about it except to dream about it...

I just remembered that one time in uni (I'm still in uni lol) where we did a Kahoot (we were about 30 I think?), and I named myself "Reimu Hakurei". I don't know why I did it, but I scored second, and the teacher read out the name (while butchering it), and the class...didn't react to it at all(?), which felt a bit disappointing... Luckily nobody found out it was me, but it still felt weird...

Today's Miku day, so I drew Miku~

Finally finished the Wonderful Precure movie. It was nice seeing the Wonderful team (is that the name?) again, and I was also surprised of the other Precures to make a appearance here (this is the first Precure movie I've watched, so I don't know if it's a regular thing or not).

The gaming aspect was kinda interesting? Like how they were in a game, and the other Precures were playing too and then later helping out. And the CGI artstyle was also cute.

Overall it was a nice and fun movie! And I didn't know I was missing the Wonderful team so much.